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Musing - Cody Shirogane-Hideki Crossfield [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Musing [May. 19th, 2006|09:18 pm]


[State Your Attitude! |depresseddepressed]
[What's Your 1, 2 Step? |Cranberries -Zombie]

TITLE: My Immortal
CHAPTER: Oneshot
PAIRING/S: None, hinted CodyXEdo
SUMMARY: Just a musing of Cody's afterlife, when a certain Necro Alchemist refuses to die. She has some business to take care of first. (With an alternate ending)

I remember when my biggest fear was would I still be top when all the other girls gained their breasts... I was so vain. If only it was that easy, still. That was the life. But alas... all things must change. We have to grow, but why did it have to be so soon!

Smoothing my hands over bare flesh, I'm not sure which is cold. Are my hands cold or is my body just dead? Either way, I don't find myself suprised at all. I might as well be dead, should be... Looking at myself, I appear to be dead. On the table is a photograph, one of myself as a child. Back then I was always grinning. I never found anything to be happy about so I just grinned because I was... blissfully unaware that I was no different from the other people who I always found inferior. How the mighty have fallen.

But now, as I stare into the mirror... I see nothing more than a corpse. Sure, my cheeks are warm and my heart pulsing, but when there is nothing inside...? "Our spirits are only using these bodies to visit the earth. When we die, only our bodies perish but our spirits live on." So yeah, I'm dead. I have been dead for what... three, four years now? Mein Gott, how dumb am I?

And while I watch myself, indigo eyes staring into the reflective glass... my thoughts are spilling like acid from a toxic-waste barrel. Fucking acid. Almost four years now since I actually died. I shouldn't be here, I'm tresspassing. My eyes are indigo. They should be navy like they used to be. Indigo... a mix of blue and purple. I hate purple eyes. It seems that every single fucking person who wants to cause me hell has had purple eyes. First the Princess then the Sin, damn it. The Princess is no longer a matter, she has taken my home and childhood. The Sin... He took my life. All because I loved his brother. Oh, ouch... some sibling rivalry. But Holle, I gave everything for that boy...

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed my all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. 'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.

I used to have a perfect body, every teenage boy's dream. I was popular, their queen. Perfekt. But because I thought I could do anything, I tried to show off and now look at me. I can only watch helplessly at how I was butchered. The scars that circle my arm, my thighs, my neck. My face is unmarred, but with these reproachful eyes... The youthful vision is forever lost. Ah!... Note to self, don't punch mirrors. Although this pain is nothing compared to the reluctent reminder on my neck. That bitch hurts like a mother'. But they're just scars. They shouldn't hurt, right? Feh... good luck on that theory.

These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase.

I was such a show-off. In school, I flaunted my body because they couldn't help but pay attention. I was exquisite to them, a rar gem. Then I went into that training, and just had to show off how talented I was. I pissed off all the other devils and made plenty of enemies, but wasn't that my forte? I was talented, no matter what anyone says. I was freaking amazing. I was. WAS. So obviously, I just had to show off when I went to that other place. First time to actually have to show off for a boy, had to work for it, had to show off. I learned the tricks and I knew how to use them; I just wasn't smart enough to know when to STOP. I just had to the best, the coolest, the shining star. And look what it got me.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years. But you still had all of me, all of me.

I was pretty dumb. So dangeroulsy in love with him, I was just begging for someone to rip me apart. If only that stupid Sin had been a bit gentler with those claws. His love taps sure as hell caused a bruise, right on my damn esophogous! Of course I was just a puppet to Envy, he just used me to get to his brother. We both wanted him, just not in the same way. Sure, he and I fought... but I never wanted to kill him! I hated it when he was in pain because I would feel useless. And I was right.

You used to captivate me by you resonating life. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me.

You were everything that I wasn't. While you lost with the aspirations of restoration, I was found in the isolation of dismemberment. You were couragous, I was faux; a lame copy, falsch. You had a strong will, I only had trite words. You were strong. I was just tricky. You had a dream, a goal! You were my goal, I didn't believe in dreams. You had a brother and I... I had... Why do I cry? It's not shameful, just sinful. Verdammt! I had a homunculus!! You had A homunculus, I have six. We are even with the scars. Each one told a tale... of our futile efforts of gaining someone to love. I failed all the way to hell.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me. I've been alone all along.

"Cody!" Oops, caught. I try to smile, I really do.. but my muscles are just dull; deadened, just like he-- you are. Even while you are gone, I'm still staring into your face. He looks just like you, don't you know? Genau, eh? I hope you're watching, because he really does look up to you. And don't worry, I'll take care of him. I failed before, failed to Holle. Not this time. "Annou... he' Al."

His troubled eyes are wide, and he's blushing. I suppose Elrics do look cute when they blush, even if they are just children. His eyes trail down, and that gets me to smile. I can't help it. I wish I could. He's embarrassed.. but that would be my fault. I forgot my clothes. "Fickerei..." Gah, my speech has seriously detiorated since my return. I can barely speak English anymore. Even still, he just smiles shyly at me. Such a kid. "You're dripping wet, we need to get you dressed before you catch a cold." His eyes drop to the floor apologetically and shuffles slowly. "Annou... Ich hatte handtuch." I tell him, fingers tugging at the blue fabric that dangled on my fingers. His jaw unhinges, gulps audibly, then snaps his mouth closed. "Hand t-touch?" If his face wasn't red before, it sure is now. I snort, and once more jerk upon the towel. "Handtuch.. ta..el." He laughs nervously. "Oh, yeah. Towel. M-my bad."

He disappears into one of the back rooms, and I look back to the mirror. Just by staring, I can tell each of us has changed. Youth does not last forever, nor does life. And apparently, neither does death. Little girls become the manifestation of damnation. Little boys end up as a bargaining chip. And tin cans grow up to be the source of purification with a marionnette's face. We've all changed dramatically.

"Umm..." I glance over my shoulder, and the blonde stands there quietly. His arms are stretched towards me and a simple navy dress hangs over his arm. There are white gloves dangling at his fingertips and a celtic silver belt. Well... maybe he's not the only imitation. My fingers loosen, and the blue fabric slides down my body to pool around my feet. There is an audible gasp and he looks away. Ah, how mutilated I am.

"Miss..." He begins, tone unsure. "Cody." I state, eyes closed. My fingers work quickly to fasten the dress about myself, supporting some decency. "Yes, ah... Cody..." He fumbles for words, and I do not urge him. Just like his brother, he is fragile. I will never hurt him. "Do you think... that maybe... once you're dressed of course! that you could... tell me some more stories... of Nii-San?"

There is a comfortable weight upon my waist, and the scars on my fingers are shielded from his view. I turn slightly, peering over at him with a casual smile. He seems to loosen up instantly, and smiles in return. I only have to say a single word to make his day, his whole life grand. And when I do, his face lights up with a genuine happiness that makes me want to cry, but I won't. Never in front of him. I'd rather die... but first! A story... "Ja..."